Lawyers take a LOT of flack about being shysters, crooks, sharks, etc. And while these are stereotypes, enough people in the profession reinforce them to give many of us in the general public a rather jaded view of those in the legal profession. This has given birth to a whole genre of "lawyer jokes" which poke fun & put down the lowest of the legal eagles.
A good sense of humor allows us to laugh at ourselves as much as anyone else. Matt & Foggy tend to practice good law & both have a good sense of humor, so I can easily imagine the two of them sitting over a couple beers & slapping their legs as they regale each other with some of the following riddles, puns, & rib ticklers. (Rosalind Sharpe, however, might only favor you with a very stern look upon hearing some of these, as a few of them may hit uncomfortably close to home!).
Q1. Why don't snakes bite attorneys? ...or|
Q2. Why won't sharks eat lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.
Q. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day when they collided at the point where the pathways met. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he too had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what type of animal he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.
Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments he announced, "You've got very soft fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"
The rabbit was much relieved to finally discover his identity and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue... I think you're a lawyer!
Q. What does a lawyer have in common with a sperm?
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that
in our lab we've switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
It was so cold last winter...|
How cold was it?
...I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
Q. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
Q. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A lawyer is driving his new, red, convertible BMW when he runs a red light and is broad-sided
by a Ford. He stumbles out in shock, all the while whining "My Beemer. My poor Beemer".
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
Q. What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?|
A. A doberman pinscher.
Q. What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. Not liking lawyers, the truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.
One day, headed into town, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. Not wanting to offend a man of God, he swerved back to the center. Nonetheless, he heard a "whump" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.
He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I was sure that I missed that lawyer!"
The priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.
"Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
Q. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle
of the road?
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets.
What should you do?
Q. What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Q. Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Q. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
While hunting has become a popular sport in many countries, laws have to be developed to both keep the populations in balance as well as to allow for a fair fight. New Rules and Regulations also have to be legislated whenever new species become the object of the hunt. With this is mind comes new regulations.
US Government Department of Fish and "wildlife" Sec. 1200
1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
8. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, "entrap", or possess it.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.
10. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
BAG LIMITS (Maximum number of catches allowed per hunting season)
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
A Heavenly Marriage
On their way to a justice of the peace to get married this couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. In conversation while waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits for a couple of months and in conversation they begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"For Heaven's Sake!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"
Q. How can you tell when an attorney is lying?|
A. When his lips move.
When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed, "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked, "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an old drunk and an honest lawyer are walking down the street together when they
simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done to both cars, although neither driver is hurt.
It's impossible to assess blame for the accident on either party, however. Both drivers get out of their cars. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone: they will be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken-up. The lawyer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask. The doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you going to have a drink, too?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, maybe AFTER we've talked to the police..." replies the lawyer.
The following are purported to be recorded from real life trials...|
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"